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Satire
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Guerrilla Media's warning to Southam newspaper readers about Conrad Black-infected ink is shown below, along with a letter of response from Hollinger Inc.
WARNING Black Contaminated Ink.
Health Canada warns that this newspaper contains Black Contaminated Ink. and may be hazardous to public health. Analysis by the Health Protection Branch indicates that the Southam™ and Hollinger™ brands of Black Newspaper Ink. are contaminated with ever-increasing concentrations of the e-conrad blackterium. This parasite can cause Transnatiocorpus Selfagrandial Execugreedeopathy (TSE), the brain-softening disorder commonly known as Mad CEO Disease. Symptoms include: ä loss of balance ä bloody staff eliminations ä insatiable hunger for power ä ego-bloating and ä sudden ethical impairment. Individuals who have been in contact with tainted Black Ink. are urged to seek alternative media therapy as soon as possible.
Extreme caution should be exercised in the handling of this noxious agent, and its spread should be contained immediately. The Canadian Centre for Disease Control reports that the blackterium has already developed resistance to treatment with most democratic remedies. The pathogen is often accompanied by opportunistic infections such as Billionairus Influenza. Governments that have compromised their social program system are particularly at risk.
Long-term exposure of the body politic to Black Contaminated Ink. may lead to a number of complications such as: cancerous growth of corporate control, severe democratic dysfunction and, in advanced cases, necrotizing fascism.
For more information contact: Guerrilla Media Health Protection Branch (604) 877-4721 or Hollinger Ink. (416) 363-8721.
To the Editor:
It has come to our attention that a menagerie of self-proclaimed satirists in Vancouver has vandalized Southam property and distributed scurrilous slanders against our person. Although their pathetic bagatelle deserves nary a response, we would not let down our colleagues, family and the nation by failing to castigate this pusillanimous rabble with unflinching litigation.
Contemporaneously, any alleged journalists or media establishments that-- through laziness, incompetence or malice-- reproduce, broadcast,report, transmit or otherwise abet these slanders will soon find their brains legally dead from financial asphyxiation.
Were it not for their unbridled intent to injure and envenom, the inherent criminal stupidity and congenital lack of wit of these plebian poltroons would seem punishment enough. Indeed, we would choose Socratic suicide over immurement in a mind so anemic of intellect and so ignorant of Latin.
Far from being a parasite on Canadian newspapers, we are skilled surgeons nobly engaged in the delicate operation of saving journalism in this country from immanent demise due to cancerous complacency, ulcerous unionism, and poisonous socialism. As we breathe life back into the patient, we are purging its soft, clement underbelly of the endemic and virulent anti-corporatism, degenerative yanqueeophobia and progressive democratic paralysis.
If these libelous libertines are not brought to heel at once, next they may be snivelling insinuations about Lady Thatcher's incontinence, spreading canard about Barbara's implants, or impugning the admirable authoritarians throughout history who have inspired us, and many other potential potentates, to pre-eminence.
In peroration, if these moribund merchants of mendacity truly believe their message is so important why don't they just go out and buy a newspaper chain like we did?
Conrad
Black
l
